It's silly of me, really. Feeling this empty and not being able to do anything about it. It's rather awful since it seems to be connected and dependant by him, my best friend. Now, I know that we all feel bad if our closest friends feel bad, happy when they're happy and all that but... to have my whole happiness, as if my whole being, being dependant on this one person? A person whom I can't reach most of the time.
He's so far away now, and far off. Either he's in an other country or when he's actually with me he's not really there. That is, if you ask me, what hurts the most. When he's away I miss him to pieces, feeling the biggest need to hear from him and let him know that I miss him. But when he's acutally here he's further away than before. I can't reach him.
As if I am not of interest, nothing I say is good enough, funny enough. Not that he says it out loud, but it is as if he's bored when with me. I have spent so much time searching my self through to find what I'm doing wrong. Am I ugly? Should I engage my self in those things he seems to be thinking off? Speak of matters that doesn't matter at all for me to get his interest? Maybe I' m just not funny enough. Old, boring, filled with dust...
Cut, cut, change, change. I tried it so many times, tried to renovate and refurnish my self. Something was wrong with me and I was desperate to solve it and make it okay again. I'd do anything just so that I wouldn't be devoured by that emptiness again, eating me alive from the inside.
And sometimes it felt as if it had worked. There was interest, smiles and, above all, acknowledgement. Recognition.
But it ended, we were back at square one. Cut, cut, change, change. Try a little harder. Break down and try again. He so often said that he loved me, why would he stop now? (ugly, boring, bad!)
In the end I only grew more hollow inside, felt as if I was nothing but a mere shell. The energy that I'd only borrowed was gone and not until I completely fell and gave up I came to realize that maybe, maybe, it wasn't me who was wrong, broken. Perhaps it was his fault and not mine for which my emptiness grew.
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Author's Comments
Scrapped later... Just a shortie. Reservations for grammatical and spell-correction later.
I've been writing these small texts, like doodles almost, for a few nights now. Not anything really serious, but still writing. The main excuse for the text is that it is written from my rpg-character Tolouse's view about his best friend Michael (Belonging to *Sjazna ). Very.. "emo" I guess. |
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Comments
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She tried to be someone people liked. She tried to be someone people disliked. But all I became was someone who didn't succeed with anything I tried to be.
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She tried to be someone people liked. She tried to be someone people disliked. But all I became was someone who didn't succeed with anything I tried to be.
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schizophrénie • σχιζοφρένια • schizofrenia • 精神分裂症 • 정신 분열증 • shizophrenia • esquizofrenia
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